Continuing our Friday is for Females series is Heather Daigle, who shares how to make a relationship work across cultures. Enjoy.–cg

Among the crowds of Chinese walking the streets of Shanghai, a white American gal strolled hand-in-hand with a local Chinese guy – a novelty attracting millions of stares from passersby (millions, quite literally). It took my husband quite a while to get used to the stares. But he did. Eventually.

People often ask if it’s challenging being married to someone from another culture. Being married to anyone is challenging, I suppose – that’s half the fun. But do cultural backgrounds cause additional problems? Not if your man is exceptional.

The way I see it, we all have our own unique cultures. Our upbringing, our personality and our experiences shape the way we see the world. For my husband and me, these differences are pronounced. Some are visible, like cultural norms when eating out, visiting family, and even handling money (he’s such the saver!).

Others reside below the surface, like our styles of reasoning, mine rooted in Western logic and his in holistic relativism. Every once and a while a difference we didn’t even know existed bubbles up from beneath the surface – catching us off-guard. But these things come with the territory. We’re expecting them, and we work through them.

I want to suggest, though, that every couple faces these cultural challenges. Every man sees the world in a different way than his woman. Varying emotions, preferences and thoughts are brought into every interaction.

I know, I know – this sounds soft, fuzzy and, dare I say, girlie. But for you scientific minds out there, think of it as brain science. Every person on the planet is simply wired to see the world through his or her unique lens. Unless you woo a mind-reader, conflict of opinion is unavoidable.

The exceptional man understands this. He doesn’t laugh when we tackle a problem in a manner he deems illogical, belittle us when we show more emotion than he would ever dare display, or judge us for our difference in opinion.

Instead, these differences fascinate him (even when they frustrate him to no end). The exceptional man is an explorer seeking to discover his woman’s perspective and striving to see through her eyes. These odd quirks, these foreign ideas and behaviors we exhibit – they’re what he loves and values about us, not what he disdains.

Building a relationship based on this philosophy can be quite the challenge. It often involves questioning. Why does she think that? What makes me do that? What are the assumptions behind our thoughts, opinions and behaviors?

My husband and I even have certain “rules” we play by. When we give gifts, we must include a note sharing why we selected the item. A pair of gloves for my birthday, in my mind, fit in the “socks and underwear” gift category – not at all romantic – until he explained that, while walking hand-in-hand with me, he found my hands were always cold. Knowing that helped me see the thoughtfulness and romance in his choice.

Sometimes it takes a massive culture difference to realize that the relationship requires this kind of communication – constantly explaining the “why” behind your decisions. (Without it, sometimes I’d swear my husband is crazy, foolish or, perhaps, just doesn’t get me at all.) It is the exceptional man, however, who realizes these massive differences penetrate every relationship, whether or not cross-cultural perspectives come into play.

Fascinated with customs and cognition across cultures, Heather Daigle is a human capital consultant who specializes in developing and motivating a global workforce. She spends her free time hand-in-hand with her Chinese husband of four years exploring the ethnic neighborhoods of Chicago, IL, where fortunately few people stare. She writes about her adventures and insights in her blog, Speak the Culture.

Photo credit (which means ‘good luck and happiness’): нσвσ

Our Friday is for Females series ramps back up this week with Dysfunction Junction giving us her thoughts on what makes a man exceptional (and what doesn’t). Enjoy.–cg

The Exception to the Rule

When I volunteered to write this post I got super excited. I was sure that I had something earth-shattering to say about The Exceptional Man. That feeling lasted all of about 12 seconds. It was swiftly replaced by terror. Why? Because I realized that I wasn’t sure I really did have anything to say.  I was plagued with questions.

Do I believe that the exceptional man exists?
Does trying to be the best man he can be make him exceptional?
Does one man have it all?  Should women expect one man to have it all?

And so on and so forth. It got me thinking…

Obviously The Exceptional Man is not the same thing to all women; but I seemed to be incapable of identifying what IS The Exceptional Man.  I thought, perhaps I could say what he’s not (at least to me anyway)?

First and foremost, he is not a liar. And I don’t mean that in a “tell the truth ALL the time” kind of way. Sometimes my ass will look fat, please just tell me it doesn’t. It’s more important that he’s not a bullshitter. I’ve spent way too long in crappy relationships where the man was bullshitting me. Where he was selling me on our happiness. If it’s not good, it’s not good. Be a man and own up to it. Because I’m probably thinking the same thing.

So this was a start. What else?

How about, do not be intolerant?

Again, I don’t mean this in a World Peace kind of way (though, frankly everyone should be tolerant of others). I mean this in an “I am a stubborn, insufferable ass most of the time.  You should be able to hack it” kind of way.

In an “I purchase J.Crew ballet flats, much to the chagrin and detriment of my checking account” way.

In an “I have cranky, pissed off bowels most of the time.” Can you deal with that?

But that’s more about me. What about my questions?

Do I believe The Exceptional Man exists? In a word: no. I do believe that every man possesses characteristics of the Exceptional. But I would be kidding myself if I said yes, he exists.  Men are human beings just as women are. And since I’m a woman, I know for a fact, that we are riddled with faults & shortcomings.

My preferences in those characteristics are simple & few. Ambition. Humor. Toss in my personal peccadilloes about nice teeth and J.Crew clothing and that pretty much wraps it up.

Ambition: I am not capable of being with you if you have no goals or aspirations. One of the things that attracted me to my Certain Gentleman was that he has these phenomenal goals and a plan of how to get there. Granted, the plan is a 20 year plan and that intimidates me, but it also proves my point. Ambition is sexy. Benchmarks are a turn on.

Humor: It’s not so much that The Exceptional Man has a specific sense of humor; but do we get each other’s sense of humor? I make stupid jokes in very poor taste sometimes. Do you find that funny? Do I find your odd etymological puns adorable?

My question about trying to be the best man he can be proves to be a bit stickier. On the one hand, noble efforts are laudable. On the other, I am the type of girl who doesn’t deal well with “a work in progress”. Yes, as time goes on, everyone grows, learns and changes. But do I want a puppy/boy that needs “obedience” training? No. I do not want that frat boy with the heart of gold. If you’re still getting wasted on Jäger during the work week and have deplorable table manners, I can’t do anything with you. Part of being with someone is going in public with them.  If you can’t be around others without embarrassing the hell out of me, why would I date you?

So…what does this all mean???

Maybe it just means that I’m supposed to find the man who is Exceptional to me.  That no man is perfect.  Would anyone want someone who is perfect?

I don’t.

Dysfunction Junction likes to talk about herself and her neuroses (which she says are cuter than yours) at Dysfunction Junction and if that’s not enough for you, she Twitters endlessly @DysFuncJunc

Photo credit: lintmachine

Continuing in our Friday is for Females series, this week Amy Knittel gives us an inside look into what makes her husband exceptional. Enjoy.–cg

I’ve been with my exceptional man for over 9 years.

I saw him on the Brown Line train (Yes, I broke the cardinal rule and actually spoke to someone I didn’t know while on the train). We were wearing the same watches, only different colors, so that was my in. I interrupted him from his game of chess that he was playing on his Palm Pilot to say hello. Our conversation was short as I was only on the train for 2 stops. So, when it was time for me to get off I said, “Maybe I’ll see you around.” I waved as I exited the train, went down the stairs, and walked about 1 block when all of a sudden I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and there he was. If he hadn’t listened to his intuition and decided at the last minute before the doors closed to chase after me it’s highly unlikely that we would have ever bumped into each other again. His spontaneity is what makes him exceptional.

We exchanged phone numbers and went out on a date 1 week later. On our first date he laid it all out on the table about his background, history, and family. He said, “This is who I am. I’m just letting you know now so it won’t be an issue later.” Admittedly, I was a little surprised at first but I really liked how he felt comfortable enough with me to tell me something very personal about himself. His honesty is what makes him exceptional.

Shortly after our first date he introduced me to his circle of friends. They were a small, tight knit group who all got along really well. They seemed to have their own inside stories and quirky behaviors but they had a great time together. Always the center of attention, he would make them all laugh to the point of tears with his perfect timing and witty one-liners. His friendship and sense of humor make him exceptional.

Two and a half months after we met, he went back home to visit his family for Christmas. Upon his return we agreed to meet at the same train stop where he ran down the stairs chasing after me. He met me on the platform and we boarded the second car from the back, second seat from the right – the same spot where we met. We’d only gone a couple of stops when before I knew it he had pulled a small box from his pocket, got down on one knee and proposed. Of course I said, “Yes!” Being in love is what makes him exceptional.

Fast forward to today, more than 9 years later, and I can’t really tell you where the time has gone. Over the years we have grown together, not apart, due to the dedication and commitment that we have for each other. We rarely get into any fights or arguments because we always seem to be on the same page. If we do have a disagreement we take the time to discuss our ideas so that each of us can see where the other person is coming from. We never go to bed mad nor do we leave for work upset or angry at each other. More than anything else, it’s the importance he places on how we communicate that makes him exceptional.

My man is exceptional because through my eyes he is beautiful, both inside and out. We couldn’t possibly have built such a strong relationship without being forthright, honest and dedicated to working together.

So, the next time you see someone who catches your eye, or perhaps you just get a feeling about them, don’t be afraid to approach the person and strike up a conversation. You never know, he may just turn out to be your exceptional man.

Amy Knittel is the co-founder of Tasty CMS, a simple website management system. If you are interested in learning more about Amy or Tasty CMS, be sure to follow her on Twitter at @tastycms or at http://tastycms.com.

This week, Kim Aung, an experienced dater, gives us her view of “What makes a man exceptional?” in our continuing Friday is for Females series. Enjoy.–cg

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before you is one Ms. Kim Aung. She is accused of being a serial dater. The charges stem from her ultimate goal of finding “The Exceptional Man”, the man that makes her heart feel funny, the one her mother will eventually dote over, and the intellectual jokester to grow old with. In the course of 25 years, since the age of 17, she has perhaps spent a total of one year “single”…

And on and on it would go. That is, assuming, Jack McCoy set his steely gaze upon a bunch of Law and Order extras and read my list of dating tragedies. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I date jerks, nor do I think I’m a jerk. I just often feel that I’m on a perpetual quest for “the one”. I thought I had the formula right three times in life, but I guess that’s why you don’t keep your eggs in one basket. The latest tragedy ended with me moving out in a whirlwind of emotion and a feeling of “second best”.

As for types of guys that I date, I think I’ve sampled the platter pretty well… there was the bagpipe playing rocket scientist, the Steelers FANATIC 3D artist, the cowboy wannabe salesman, the club head finance dude, the “authentic bro” engineer, the wannabe hippie lawyer… and so on. All great boys — men really. But what went wrong? One of my favorite cartoons of all time is an xkcd cartoon, and it tries to input “love” into a mathematical equation. Duh! You can’t do that. Haha, the humor. But really, on paper, you can jam two incredibly similar people together and you think that sparks will fly in real life. How often, though, is that the case?

As of now, I’m currently in my longest stretch of “being single”… and I love it. Suddenly I’m me. I feel freed, as the weights of expectation have been lifted from my shoulders, and I’m once again at liberty to pursue that which will ultimately make me the most “me”.

I can’t be described on paper — when I was 17 someone (a guy, actually) called me a “bundle of paradoxes”. At 25, I couldn’t be more proud to have that distinction. I’d like to think I was ladylike, feminine, and delicate. But I have this tough side that causes me to swear like a truck driver during Monday Night Football. The Exceptional Man will tease me for being too much of a “dude”, but laugh with me as Tim Tebow throws another pick, and cries. The Exceptional Man will pretend to moan and whine during Love Actually, but will silently put his arm around me as Emma Thompson learns that Professor Snape (Alan Rickman) is having an affair with the office tart, and I lose it. The Exceptional Man will understand why I’m a food snob that really really loves nacho cheese. The Exceptional Man will be him, while allowing me to be “me”. So I’ve discovered it: the Exceptional Man is a balanced man. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, a lot of something and a whole lot of another.

A lot of people will maintain that an Exceptional Man displays an array of “grown up” qualities. But isn’t that implied by saying “man”? Of course an Exceptional Man is stable, emotionally available, honest, maintains a level of confidence, exerts a reasonable level of sense and intuition… etc. Really, it’s not a question of adulthood or not, but a matter of fit and understanding that I’m trying to explain.

If you list the five most important things you look for in a guy (anything from work ethic to level of education to political sway… it’s all so personal), the Exceptional Man will fit the mold, and perhaps break it. I thought at one point that I would be OK with settling. I’m too old to settle. Likewise, I don’t want someone to compromise their top five criteria for me. Of course, there are little things that every girl looks for — the flowers, the winks, the cards, the hand holding, romantic dinners, shared hatred of the Green Bay Packers. It’s my personal opinion that the bricks of a relationship are similarities and mutual attractions, and romance is the mortar that holds it all together. As time passes, like mortar drying, the relationship gets stronger. But the Exceptional Man will be more than happy to oblige helping me put my coat on, or walk down the street side on the sidewalk.

Everyone’s Exceptional Man is going to be a different man, but at the end of the day, an Exceptional Man ought to complement the Exceptional Woman that he’s with.

Kim Aung, a native Chicagoan, works in commercial real estate marketing, and continues on the quest for not only the Exceptional Man of her dreams, but the best damn hot dog in the city of Chicago. Find out about her, and her antics on Twitter — @kimbean_.

Erica Prather tells us how to grow up in our continuing series on “What makes a man exceptional?” by female guest bloggers. Enjoy.–cg

As a newly minted single woman – fresh out of a 3.5 year relationship and with four months to go to 25 – I find myself wondering what separates male companionship at 20 vs. 25? Many of my girlfriends have groaned about the mid-twenties dating funk. The age of transition, for both sexes, is a frustrating and confusing process; throw dating into the mix, and specifically finding a potential mate, and the results can be downright depressing. The only realization I have come to after my most recent heartbreak is this: I don’t want to date boys. I want to date an exceptional man, but firstly, a man.

What does being a man mean? Over time, certain milestones, such as bar mitzvahs, losing your virginity, or owning your first car can be indicators of “manhood” in our society. But I think there is a distinct difference between a boy and a man, and in the “let’s extend our adolescence into infinity” mindset of Gen Y, at times it seems that the steps it takes to “become a man” go by other names: getting whipped, settling down, becoming boring, mundane monogamy. All of these things are accompanied, usually, by an awful nagging woman that somehow went from being a hot chick you were dating to a nagging wife that wants to turn off your Monday Night Football in exchange for Grey’s Anatomy. “I’m too young” or “I don’t know myself well enough” are common phrases that accompany the opposition to manhood.

I have come in contact with many men, dated several, that have said they were “having too much fun” or were interested in “finding themselves” or were “building a financial nest egg” and destroying perfectly good relationships in the process. Society tends to hand out quite a few “get out of adulthood free” cards to men age 22-30. Post college, if a man marries before the American average of 27, something must be wrong with him. We give men under 30 the band-aids of “He’s just having fun” or “He’s just sewing his wild oats” or “His priorities right now are his career.” So somehow, at the magic average age of 27, something in men clicks and they realize that maybe now they are ready to find ‘the one’? And when they can’t, they ask, ‘Where have all the good girls gone? Don’t they just show up when you are good and ready?’ I’ll tell you where all the good girls are – you either lost them, have been looking in the wrong places, or they are dating older males who are actually men and not afraid of being a man.

So what does being an exceptional man – by my definition of owning up to your manhood – mean? It doesn’t mean that you buy a woman flowers on the first date or kiss her ass. It doesn’t mean that you drop everything you are doing to massage her feet when she demands it. Being a man means being emotionally available. It means being honest, even if the truth hurts. It means being able to admit you are wrong, both to yourself and those you have wronged. It means being young at heart but still interested in having an adult relationship. In the romantic sense, being a man means you are able to meet your partner half way, not by putting her on a pedestal or by producing a 1930s style courtship. It means you are willing to compromise and accept the same compromise from her. Being a man means saying “I love you” in front of the guys, seeing your mate as your accomplice rather than your responsibility, and most importantly, realizing what being an exceptional man does not mean.

Things that do not correlate with manhood are: keeping yourself emotionally distant, how much beer you can drink, how many chicks you’ve banged, avoiding feelings, the kind of stocks you trade, having a fancy pants title to put on your business cards, or by owning a lot of expensive shit. Michelle Obama recently said the following to Katie Couric with regards to dating, “Don’t look at the title or the bank account. Look at the heart. Look at the soul.” What seems like such an obvious statement to me should be shared with men as well. I suppose it depends on the type of woman you want to attract in the end. If you want to attract an exceptional gold digger, work on your exceptionally large bank account. Find ways to grow exceptionally to attract someone just as special – it works both ways for both sexes.

At the end of the day, I am merely describing becoming an adult. I refuse to surround myself with people who still hold the childish ideals that what will bring them the most fulfillment is getting hammered, avoiding responsibility, shirking the development of their emotional IQ – generally just taking the path of least resistance. Show me a man who knows his own heart, who sees the bigger picture, and who realizes that life isn’t all about selfish pursuits. All of the other qualities I love – sense of humor, goofy behavior, willingness to try new things, sense of adventure, open mindedness, and all of the compatibility that must fit as well (politically, socially, spiritually, ethically, sexually) falls into second place. I suppose it’s just that I’m a woman now, and I don’t want to play momma to anyone and make them grow up. Cut the cord, make your own dinner, and order the full bottle of wine when I insist on just a glass because I don’t want you to pay too much. Make hard decisions. Take a leap of faith. Listen to, and trust, your own heart. I don’t want you to watch a crappy chick flick starring Sandra Bullock or buy me sparkly stuff you see in commercials. I’d rather learn about and take part in your hobbies and what makes you a unique person, and have this interest reciprocated. The kind of TV you own doesn’t impress me, if you call your grandma every now and then does. The college you attended or degree you obtained doesn’t impress me, the way you treat and tip a waiter does.

The ‘exceptional’ part of an exceptional man is subjective to every woman – maybe it’s his exceptional taste in music, or his exceptional relationship with his family, or his exceptional ability to listen. But for now, in my mid twenties, I’m focused on the second half of the phrase ‘exceptional man,’ and am hopeful to find an exceptional man, not an exceptional boy.

Erica Prather blogs, writes as Denver Dance Examiner, and works in Advertising and Business Development at a tech startup in Boulder, Colorado. Follow her on twitter – @ericaprather.

Photo credit: Mike Swales…fish related tales

As a young McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey) proved in the 1987 movie Can’t Buy Me Love, money isn’t everything and an exceptional man knows the way to a woman’s heart isn’t bought — it’s earned. A man can buy you the entire spring line from Kate Spade, or whatever your vice is, but does that prove that he knows and loves you more than any man could? No. A man that does little things daily to brighten up your day and makes you smile is an exceptional man that you should hold on to.

Guys, remember that simple things go a long way with girls. Whether it’s a love note tapped to a mirror or a midday hello email, it’s those memories that we’ll think of when you come to mind, not what you bought me for Valentine’s Day in 2004.

Little ways to show you love a woman:

• Leave love notes around her apartment. You don’t have to get 100% sappy or write a haiku just a simple “thinking of you” or “you make me happy” is enough.
• Surprise a girl by making her favorite meal or dessert.
• Swallow your pride and go see the romantic comedy staring SJP (Sarah Jessica Parker) that she’s been talking about for weeks. Even though it’s pure agony for you to sit through two hours of horrible acting, just remember all the action movies she’s watched for you.
• Include her in your interests. If you like playing video games, buy a two-player game that you can enjoy together. (FYI, Left4Dead is not the game to start with.)

And to set the record straight, while I would love a new Kate Spade bag (I’m looking at you, Bryan) I love and appreciate the Einstein bagels you get me every Saturday morning so much more than a $300 bag.

Suzanne is a Chicago resident living with her uber-exceptional boyfriend Bryan and her two dogs (Hannity and Opie). Writing about love, life, and happiness is her daily routine over at her blog, Lovesfool. When she’s not updating her foolish blog you can usually catch her tweeting as @applegirl.

Photo credit: ’smil

Every Friday a female guest blogger stops by to give us her opinion of what makes a man exceptional. This week Jennifer Lantro, of RedEye Royalty fame, steps up to the plate. Enjoy.–cg

EXCEPTIONAL
1. forming an exception or rare instance; unusual; extraordinary
2. unusually excellent; superior

What does it really mean? What makes a man exceptional? We walk among them, converse with them, so what sets them apart from the ever enduring male population? Is it his hair, his eyes, his physique, his height? With so much weighing on outside appearances people often forget what makes a relationship last. And though I’m young I know it won’t be those baby blues…..

Me? Personally it’s his knowledge and his humor. There is nothing more sexy than a man who can make you laugh and smile from ear to ear. One that is on top of his game, quick-witted and can take a joke. Knowledge, sarcasm and laughter together add up to one amazing night, week — lifetime.

As we often hear, LIFE. IS. SHORT. Why waste it on being so serious? It won’t help you get through this trip we call life any easier. But laughter sure will. And a great, funny, smart guy right by your side will make this adventure so memorable you’ll never want the fun to end.

So to all those single ladies out there waiting for that GQ model to walk up and buy you a drink: realize that’s about all he’ll be able to do. I prefer to be entertained.

Hi, I’m Jennifer. I live what a preach here especially. My exceptional man is all this rolled into a 26 year old Senior Systems Admin at a prestige college in downtown Chicago…he keeps me balanced, supporting me emotionally, physically–every way possible all while making me smile daily. I am so lucky.

Want more? Follow me on Twitter or check out my blog. Let the entertainment begin.

Photo credit: ~Oryctes~

Every Friday we hear from a different female guest blogger about what she thinks makes a man exceptional. This week Doniree Walker tells us how to be more than just ‘good’. Enjoy.–cg

In order to determine what I believe makes a man exceptional, I decided to take a step back and start with what makes a man good, and what makes a man great. I realize my priorities might be different from those of other women, but digging back through the memory archives that are the men I’ve dated before, these are the things I believe take men from good to great to exceptional, and are the qualities I’m holding out for:

What Makes a Man Good

• A good man has a strong work ethic. No, really. I’ve dated “struggling musicians,” and while I’m all over a man who’s into taking risks and making sacrifices to pursue his passions, men who aren’t willing to work their tails off to get there and think it’s just going to happen is not exceptional.

• A good man can cook. I’m not talking gourmet cuisine (but hey, that’s fun too), but a guy that can handle the basics of an actual meal? I’ve found that once you get past college, this isn’t too tough to come by. Good.

What Makes a Man Great

• A great man has solid relationships with his friends. It’s extremely telling how a man will treat a woman in looking at how he treats his friends.
• A great man has goals. I’m not talking about a crazy to-do list, but a great man knows what’s important to him and aligns his life in such a way to accomplish those things.

What Makes a Man Exceptional

• An exceptional man is selfless. An exceptional man uses his skills and talents and knowledge to help other people, be it at work, in relationships, as a mentor, to family, etc. An exceptional man recognizes that he had mentors and inspirers and supporters along his way and makes it a point to pay that back.
• An exceptional man holds me to the same high standards that I hold him. He recognizes that a woman who expects exceptional better damn well be exceptional herself. He expects the same kindness, ambition, respect, and compassion that I expect of him and encourages me to be the best version of myself. In the same way I won’t settle for less than exceptional, he won’t either.

Bottom line? Integrity makes a man exceptional.

Doniree, 26, is a blogger, people lover, wine enthusiast, and general fun-haver currently living in Minneapolis, MN.  She writes regularly chronicling her own personal journey through relationships, yoga, food, wine, and travel.

Photo credit: Engin Erdogan

Every Friday we hear a different female blogger’s perspective on “What makes a man exceptional?” This Friday, Caitlin McCabe encourages us to stand out. Enjoy.–cg

There are a lot of great men out there. Leaders, speakers, cashiers, farmers, men doing any number of jobs in any number of cities that are really great. We know them by their accomplishments, their wardrobes, and their charming personalities. We date them, marry them, and befriend them. The list of characteristics that they have goes on and on and I’ve been hearing that list since I was 12 and trying to determine which ones I’d like to kiss.
The problem was, I didn’t and still don’t want to kiss a great man. I want an exceptional man.

And exceptional? That’s a little harder.

Exceptional is Bourbon in a room full of vodka and tonic. It’s Tim Burton after 10 Disney movies. Exceptional wears black tie when the invite says ‘casual’ and vice versa. Exceptional asks the question when everyone else is just thinking it. Exceptional welded the bike he rode in on. Exceptional isn’t just great, he’s different.

It’s tough to stand out and be exceptional if you don’t have interests to hang your hat on. Should you be in a 9-5 office job with a regular apartment and a regular car then seriously consider taking up jujitsu or something else to spice up a conversation. Bonus points if the hobby is really niche like furniture carving or orchid tending. Exceptional men are always interesting because they have interesting things going on. I once dated an artist whose work I totally didn’t understand but his quirky art and hobbies provided endless conversation.

Being genuine about those hobbies is really important too. An exceptional guy takes jujitsu because he thinks it’s cool, not because someone told him it’s cool.

An exceptional man is a good guy. Definitely. He has good manners and grooming and everything that goes along with it – but maybe he’s just a little bad boy too. The guy with a bank account in another country, a secret dive bar where he knows the pool shark (and beats him), a trick to get into a party which neither of you were invited to.

Or let’s say exceptional isn’t afraid. He’s not afraid to say “I’m going home because I’m tired” if he’s tired. He’s not afraid to show up in shoes that didn’t hit any “must wear” list yet. He’s not afraid of not looking cool which makes him, of course, undeniably cool.

Caitlin McCabe blogs over at Smile Like You Mean It and is into architecture, social media, and irreverence.

Every Friday we hear a different female blogger’s perspective on “What makes a man exceptional?” This week Becky Padgett graces TEM with her presence. Enjoy.–cg

As I sat here thinking about what makes a man exceptional, it occurred to me that maybe the real question most men may be wondering, and afraid to admit, is that they don’t really have a clue about what makes a man a man. Forget exceptional, let’s just try and figure out what a man is. I’m not even sure myself where to start (not being one is a little bit of a hindrance too, so bear with me).

Lets start with some stereotypical ideas of what a man is:

• has a rugged personality
• has bulging biceps
• can fix anything in the house you break
• never cries or shows fear
• Robert Redford

The list could go on, but the general stereotype of a “man” evokes an image of strength, pride, and… ooo, that second to last one… never cries or shows fear. Let’s talk about that. I don’t know why men are afraid to cry or show fear. Maybe this don’t-show-your-emotions mentality has been pushed on boys ever since they were young: “Time for your vaccine, Billy, so don’t cry because big boys don’t cry.” Or, “That bully picked on you? Don’t cry, punch him back!” Or, “There’s no crying in baseball!” (sorry, just couldn’t help myself on that one.)

You get the point. Little boys are told that crying or showing emotion is bad and that doing it too much makes you a wuss. So what? Why is this such a bad thing, you ask? Well, it can definitely be detrimental to a man who wants to be a successful functioning adult, who wants to have a meaningful adult relationships, and who wants to have close friendships with other men. Not only that, but when emotions are not expressed in a healthy way, it can lead to other negative behaviors or habits (violence, anger, addictions, isolation, insecurity, instability, etc). I’m not saying all men express feelings the same way, but as human beings, we all need to be connected to other people in our lives and finding a healthy way to do that fosters growth, happiness, and meaning. We cannot survive alone.

Sure, I know what you’re thinking, “Easy for you to say, you’re a woman! Being relational comes more naturally for you.” Come on guys, women struggle with this too because not all women are the same. And yes, a lot of this applies to women too. In fact it applies to all humans who want to be happy. So there.

So, how do little boys who grow into men change their thinking about expressing emotions? I’m sure it isn’t easy. Which provokes a new thought: maybe becoming a real man, one that can be himself and express his emotions, is found by having the courage to try. But how does that happen, in real life?

Here are a few ideas off the top of my head: maybe start to open up to your guy friends about what’s really happening in your life instead of pretending things are always OK. Maybe seek out new friendship with other guys who are comfortable with who they are and are willing to open up about their lives too. Maybe find a good counselor that will address some of the stigmas you grew up with. Either route you take, there are resources out there to help men learn how to express themselves in a healthy, mature way. But the real test is, are you ‘man enough’ to do it?

So, what makes a man a man? For me, it could be someone who has bulging biceps, it could be someone who has a rugged personality, or can fix anything I break (actually I like to do those handywork jobs myself), but what really makes a man is someone who isn’t afraid of expressing emotions. Who isn’t afraid of crying. Who isn’t afraid to tell me when he’s scared. Who isn’t afraid to be himself around me. That’s a real man. And when you find a real man, it is truly exceptional.

Becky Padgett is a publications manager at a small university in Chicago, IL. She often feels taking oneself too seriously is really unhealthy and very annoying, so she seeks to do the opposite by blogging about enjoying the little things in life at Daily Deaverness.