On Saturday, Caroline, Miles and I are participating in the Greater Chicago Food Depository’s 25th Annual Hunger Walk. It’s the first we’ve done, but we’re pretty excited about it. It’s such an easy way to help the Food Depository’s mission, and costs us nothing but time.

We’ll be taking some photos, so I’ll be able to follow up with another more detailed post. But it’s not too late to be a part of it yourself. Hope to see you there.

I am on the older end of a generation typically labeled Millennial. We are said to be a lot of things, but technologically savvy, politically left-leaning, and optimistic are some of the most frequently applied.

I bring this up because I was reading the other day an article in the Times called, “Save Us, Millennials.” Obviously you’ve heard by now that my type had a huge impact on getting President Obama elected, and the author is trying to urge us apply that same kind of passion to the problems of today. A worthwhile goal, I think.

As I was ruminating on this, it got me thinking about this blog, and many of the ideas about manhood I’ve shared. Of course it’s easy to point back to some kind of ethic of manhood that we’ve been missing, or say that there are certain ideals we’ve lost in the quest for equality. That is absolutely true. But for a moment, let’s forget about the past and think about the future.

Millennials are coming up. We’re entering the workforce. We’re becoming fathers (and mothers). It’s starting to hit me that my generation is becoming a generation with authority. We’re in a position to make a huge difference.

Not only that, but we’re finding a huge voice on the Web. A recent Sysomos study found that most bloggers are between the ages of 21-35 years old:

So what does that mean for the men of our generation? It means we have to decide who we want to be. I started this blog because I wanted to voice that a new generation of men were thinking differently about being men. That there are men out there that are thoughtful, stylish, generous, courteous. Men that are more than the typical media portrayal of men.

I truly believe the Millennial generation is on a path to becoming one of the most influential generations in a century for a number of reasons. But right now the media narrative around Millennials is still being formed. I can’t speak for everyone, but I want us to be remembered as the generation that stole manhood back from the douchebags and the man-boys.

So will the Millennial men please stand up?

Photo credit: bjornmeansbear

Today for us was the official first day of summer. Not because it was 90 degrees in Chicago. Or because we grilled out. Or because we sipped mojitos on our patio at sunset. Today was the first day of summer because the three of us decided to make today our first family trip to the beach.

Miles loves playing at the beach. He loves playing at the beach in a way that makes me wish I loved doing anything that much. You can see it on his face when he lifts the sand over his head only to watch it slowly fall back into place; when he casts pebbles into the water to see how big of a splash he can make. He would have stayed at the beach for as long as we let him.

Caroline is amazing at both understanding and cultivating this happiness. She was just as excited as he was, watching him crawl through the white sand, or stare off into the back-and-forth of the waves. But what always gets me about her is that she doesn’t just watch: she gets in there.

If Miles wants to roll around in the sand, she rolls around in the sand. If Miles wants to play in freezing Lake Michigan water, she gets in with him (and I can attest – that water was cold). If Miles wants to get dirty, she gets dirty. Period. No second thoughts, no complaints. She is unabashedly, unashamedly for being with him where he is.

I wish I could say that I operate like this, but I’m not going to lie. My head gets too full of things like, “That water is too cold,” and “I hate having to get sand out of my clothes.” If I’m honest with myself, I realize that my thought process still thinks of me first. Miles is up there of course, and I often do talk myself into doing the things I’m secretly complaining about in my head. But my instinct is to avoid inconveninence. My first inclination is to not jump in to whatever crazy thing he is doing.

I’m getting better. Watching Caroline is of course a huge inspiration to me. I want to have the kind of spontaneity that they both have. I want to be the kind of father who doesn’t think twice about getting his hands dirty with his son.

I’ll make sure to let you know if I ever get there.

I’ve had several conversations lately with women about the role of chivalry in relationships. I ask the same questions: Is there still a place for chivalry in relationships today? What are your expectations, if any? What crosses the line from a respectful gesture to an insulting one?

I’ve gotten varied answers to these questions, but most seem to agree that there is still a place for a man to treat a woman differently than he would treat another man, especially in a romantic setting. From there, the waters get murkier.

For instance some seem to still like to have their car door opened for them, but others find this condescending. Some want to be treated as equals down to splitting dinner on a date, but others think a man should pay. Most want to be treated with a level of respect and kindness, but some want that only to be as much as the man would treat anyone else.

The murkiness here seems to be in part due to the aftermath of the Feminist revolution. Men don’t want to seem like they’re insulting women, so many intentionally shy away from any gestures that seem like they’re in any way condescending (to be fair, there are also plenty of men who don’t do them just because they’re unthoughtful idiots). I’ve also noticed that some women shy away from openly admitting they like gestures like this for fear of seeming like that weaker sex stereotype that Feminism rages against.

So in an attempt to get this conversation going between men and women, let me set out what I believe to be common ground here:

• Any special gestures a man does for a woman should be with an eye towards showing respect and appreciation for the woman (and the woman should give the man the benefit of the doubt that this is his motivation)
• Any gestures done should be in no way arrogant on the part of the man (e.g. ordering dinner for the woman without prompting)
• If a woman makes it clear that she finds something condescending, the man should cease and desist. However…
• The woman should make it clear to the man if she finds something condescending, and not expect him to be a mind reader.
• The decision about what a woman finds condescending and what she doesn’t is entirely up to her, and should be respected by the man.

With those ground rules in mind, what are the specifics?

Women: What would you like to see men do more of? Less of? Not at all? What do you find condescending and why?

Men: What have been your frustrations with reading women in this area? What do you usually try to do or not do?

And of course, from both sides: any horror stories of chivalry gone horribly wrong?

Stumbled upon this talk given by Brett McKay of the Art of Manliness, and I just had to share it. It does such a good job of summing up the new philosophy of manhood (the “Retrosexual”) that I’ve seen emerging in my generation. It’s a rebellion against Baby Boomer/Casual Friday culture; a return to an old ethic. Even the New York Times has recently reported on the shift in the workplace.

I think Brett does a great job here. It’s not about a return to sexism or bigotry, but about acknowledging that something’s been lacking in manhood over the past few decades. And it’s time to get it back.

When I heard I was going to have a son, I had two simultaneously powerful emotions: joy and fear. Joy that I was going to have a son, and fear about having to raise a man.

That’s right. Guys think about that sort of thing. Or at least I did. A lot.

A girl would have been one thing. I could totally have seen myself as the protective father, and my daughter as the daddy’s girl. That sounds like a comfortable role to me. But boys? Boys want you to teach them things. Boys are looking to you for how to act, how to react; how to behave like a man. I realized I was about to become a serious role model, whether I liked it or not.

Not that my son sees me like that now. Sure, Miles likes me. He smiles when I come around. We have our little insides jokes. But we both know that Mama is number one in his book. She’s the one that can’t leave the room for fear of his crying. She’s the one that makes things better. I’m just that other guy right now.

But psychologists say sometime in the next few years, a significant power shift will happen without us even realizing it. And all of a sudden I will become his idol, and he’ll want to mimic my every move.

Scary.

What got me through the fear was a realization that (a) it’s OK for me to make mistakes, and (b) it’s OK for me to tell Miles when I make mistakes. Basically I want him to understand that his father is not perfect. If I’m going to teach him anything about being a man, it has to start there.

A year after his birth, I’m reminded of that every day. Caroline (his mom/my wife) seriously deserves some sort of prize for being the most natural mother I’ve ever seen. For me, every day is a learning process and a reminder of how far I have to go. But my hope is, even now, I’m being that role model for him. I never know when that power shift is going to take place. But when it does, I hope my son is seeing the kind of man I want him to be.

Other fathers: What went through your head the first year? Or even now? How do you model being a man for your children?

I was going to write a long entry about this book. I think it would be better to let the douchebags speak for themselves.

“There are many dying children out there whose last wish it is to meet me.”  - David Hasselhoff

“I resent your insinuendos.”  - Richard Daly, Democratic mayor of Chicago

“Do you know why God created woman? Because sheep can’t type.”  - Kenneth Armbrister, Democratic senator from Texas

“Sure, I look like a white man.  But my heart is as black as anyone’s here.” – George Wallace, Democratic governor of Alabama addressing a mainly black audience

“I’m a T-shirt guy now.  But, wifebeaters won’t go out of style, not as long as bitches keep mouthing off.” – Eminem

“[I] don’t believe there’s any difference between a monogamous and a polygamous relationship. Those are all just big words, like gymnasium.” – Gene Simmons

“Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through.” – R. Kelly

“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger

“My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a banknote, for two twenties.” – Warren Beatty

“It’s semi-frustrating when your name actually becomes a synonym for douchebag.” – Pete Wentz

Easy answer: don’t be a douchebag. [via fandomania]

Here at TEM my premise is that there are two things that make a man exceptional: uncommon style and uncommon character. Essentially those two things are really all about differentiation.

Because let’s face it: there are plenty of men out there who seem like their life goal is to make the rest of us look bad. Not that I have to give examples of this, but let me focus on one for today: the guy in your office who always makes fun of people, or is never helpful, or is in general, a douchebag.

These are the guys that always want to talk about how drunk they got over the weekend. Or about how active their sex life is. These are the guys who belittle everyone around them because it makes them feel powerful. The ones who jump on any chance to make fun of you.

The abundance of douchebags such as this is pollution to mankind, and being a gentleman requires distancing yourself from their lifestyle, their behaviors, and when necessary, them. In fact – be the opposite of them. Don’t just talk about yourself; ask questions. Give a kind word instead of a harsh one. When you see a douchebag verbally abusing an unsuspecting colleague, stand up for that person.

Talk about differentiation. You’ll be praised for being what you are: an exceptional man in a sea of douchebags.

Here at TEM, I talk about two things that make a man stand out: style and character. The style part of that equation means that I talk a lot about things to consider buying. But when the things you’ve bought no longer interest you or serve any purpose, the character part needs to kick in. Living in a very wealthy society like the United States means that we have a lot of possessions, many of which sit around in our closets, or basements, or storage spaces when there are people who could actually get some use out of them.

Personally I try to make it a habit never to get too attached to anything. This keeps me from getting too upset when my favorite dress shirt gets puked on by my 6-month-old son, but it also means that I’m much more likely to give something away when I haven’t touched it in years. When was the last time you searched your closet for older things that someone else needs?

Here are just a few charities in the Chicago area that could benefit from your closet raid:

• The Brown Elephant
• Deborah’s Place
• Jane Addam’s Hull House
• Junior League of Chicago
• Heartland Alliance
• Zacharias Abuse Center
• Lakeview Pantry
• Bottomless Closet
• Harper House
• Goldie’s Place
• The Warming Center
• The Harvest Food Pantry and Clothes Closet
• Cornerstone Community Outreach
• Sarah’s Circle
• White Elephant Resale Shop (benefiting Children’s Memorial Hospital)

This list is by no means extensive, so if you know of any other worthy donation centers, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

Why not give a monetary donation while you’re at it. Character feels good, doesn’t it?

Photo credit: drp

The other day I was chatting with a friend about fatherhood. I told him that when I found out I was having a son, one of the things I quickly realized was that there are very few models of strong father/son relationships out there. And that made me nervous. I wanted a strong relationship with my son, but there were very few models of success I could find. Take a minute and think about it yourself – how many do you know? I would be surprised if it was more than a handful.

My friend had a hypothesis I found intriguing: in our culture (Western, American, etc.) there is no rite of passage that a boy goes through to distinguish himself as a man. But a man needs to know he’s a man. So the way it plays out is in rebellion from our fathers. It’s a classical Oedipal scenario: how do I know I’m a man? When my father no longer makes my decisions. When my father and I disagree. When I stand up to my father.

This got me thinking about my relationship with my own father. We did disagree a good deal when I was in high school, about to go off to college to stake my claim – about to become a man.

How about you? How is your relationship with your father?

And more importantly, are you planning on letting your son know when he has become a man in your eyes?