Recently, Doug French touched on an issue at the new Babble Dads site that I’ve been mentally tossing around for a while now. One that is very relevant to this blog, and in some ways is part of why it was started:
What does it mean to be a man?
Of course, “be a man” is something every guy hears at some point in their lives, which is why it’s funny (or perhaps sad) that so few of us have any clue about what that actually looks like. As Doug rightly points out, it starts as a set of cultural must-haves: smoke cigars, watch sports, chase women, etc. But this is a pretty shallow view of manliness, and most – emphasis on most - guys at some point realize that there has to be more to being a man than that.
Figuring out what that is, however, has not been easy. Most of the media portrayals of men either fall into this stereotype, using this bounded set of cultural markers as a guide, or characterize guys as overgrown man-boys who are absolutely clueless about what it means to “be a man.” (Recent exception: Will Arnett’s character on Up All Night. Check it out.)
There is some truth behind these portrayals. Because there are few cultural guides to take us men beyond the “be a man” checklist, it’s no wonder anyone who’s smart enough to want to move beyond it is still clueless about how to actually do it.
The few well-meaning individuals who have tried to help move the conversation about “being a man” forward have, in my opinion, in some cases done more harm than good. They’ve tried to expand the cultural bounded set to include other “manly” activities or endeavors, and in the process they’ve turned being a man into a cultural caricature, and ironically made it less likely that men will be taken seriously.
So what is to be done if we really are going to change the conversation? What does a man really look like? According to Doug, if you want to know what a real man looks like, start with fathers. Fathers are biologically and emotionally required to move beyond the old “be a man” bullshit, if we want to actually be in the day-to-day trenches with our kids. Everything else, including learning to parallel park like a man, takes the sidelines.
And I think he’s right. I’ve even seen this conversation shift happen for myself on this blog, which was always about processing what it meant to be a father, but started off with shallower checklist-type explorations and has become, hopefully, something much deeper. Having a kid gives you three-dimensional vision. Suddenly the world seems much more complicated, much more emotionally charged. And you experience a joy that smoking a good cigar could never bring. (And I happen to love a good cigar, so that’s a painful statement to make.)
This isn’t to say that all is lost for non-fathers. I think we just need a new model, a new conversation for men that is a little bit more creative. Pretty soon I’ll explore some of my ideas for this, but in the meantime, what’s your experience been like struggling (or not) with this concept of “being a man”?
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Not to be completely difficult — but I think the “if you want to know what a real man looks like, start with fathers” statement is a little overly simple, since there are some crappy fathers out there that are insult to “real men.”
For me, if I want to know what a real man looks like, I start with men who try their damnedest to be *good* fathers and/or *good* partners and/or just generally *good* people (whether they’re dads or not). Same is true for the definition of “real women,” too. I think the definition of “real” lies more in the constant attempt to be a better person, than anything else.
My $0.02. Which, admittedly might be worth considerably less than $0.02.
K.
(incidentally, if the writing on your blog is any indication, I would suggest you do fall into the “real man” category.
)
Holy crap, Karen – Now you’ve jumped into my brain as well. That was going to be exactly the topic of my next post on the subject – “being a man” versus “being a good man.”
So stay tuned! And thanks, as always, for the words.
Yes female though I may be, the best idea theory on this i’ve yet to have layed before me is in the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge its a christian book but really sort of rebels against what you would expect a christian book to say on this matter. I absolutely loved this book and if you want to read a real book from a real down to earth writer break it down i suggest you read it.
I have read Wild at Heart, actually, and I think Eldredge has some smart (if not overly simple) ideas about being a man – especially the transition from boyhood to manhood.
Thanks for the thoughts, Sheena.
Interesting . . . I was working as a therapist when Wild at Heart became the Book Du Jour for the men in my community. It was fascinating to see the personal reaction to it. Some found it liberating, while others felt like it made them question their masculinity even more, because they didn’t fit into the stereotype he outlined in the book. I don’t know that every man is hard-wired with a hero complex or an insatiable need for danger. I sometimes wonder if that isn’t as damaging as the other assumptions about what makes someone masculine or not.
That’s pretty much the reaction I had to it. I identified with parts, but felt like some other parts were overly simple and didn’t take into account the nuance and different personalities of different kinds of guys. It was for only a certain type of guy.
I spent a weekend at Eldredge’s man-camp in Colorado. That was an experience. I’ve got a few stories from there alone that could make for a weeks’ worth of blog posts.
Oh, I would absolutely want to hear about that. Didn’t even realize he had a “man camp.”
People ask this question all the time, and it always makes me twitch. The question is loaded up with conflict because there’s more than one way to interpret it, and people end up conflating answers to the different questions:
1. What does it, definitionally mean to be a man? Which members of the set of humans are also members of the set of men? You may think this is obvious, but it really isn’t. I, personally, hold that any adult who self-identifies as a man is a man. This includes hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, and asexual men; cis- and trans-gendered men; and gender queer or intersex people who identify as male, even just some of the time.
2. What is behavior befitting a man? How should people that are men behave? I think this is the question that the original article is trying to address. But, I think that it fails by asking how men should act. Why should that be materially different than how women should act? Given the wide variety of men out there, I would expect to find a wide variety of behavior profiles. Indeed, I would expect to find men who act “like men” and men who act “like women.” They’re all men. Same goes for women.
3. You’re a man, what does that mean for you in society? Examination of privilege is something I think every one of us should do. Especially cis-gendered men. But, that interpretation is a little further afield.
The problem with this question is that meaning 1 and meaning 2 get conflated all the time. If you don’t act *like* a “man” then you must not *be* a man. Especially since the notion our culture offers of what a man should be is a heterosexual, cis-gendered man. That model simply doesn’t apply to everybody who identifies as male, so can be used to exclude and other.
I think the better question is: What does it mean to be an adult?
Thanks for the thought you’ve put into this, Samuel. You’ve definitely given me some things to think about.
I definitely agree that point 1 and point 2 can easily be conflated, but I think they’re more complimentary than you’re allowing for. After all, what’s the point of identifying as a man (point 1) if there isn’t some kind of significance to that in terms of behavior (point 2)? I don’t think the two can be mutually exclusive. I think we want them to be in the name of gender equality, but having gender differences (even with a lot of gray areas, to your first point) doesn’t equate to inequality. On the contrary, much like we’ve taken to embracing and celebrating the different cultures of ethnic backgrounds instead of pretending like all races are the same, I think we can do the same with genders and celebrate all of the nuance of what it means to “be a man.”
I tend to think think that our internal identification will play out some way in terms of behavior regardless of whether we want it to – no matter what that identification may be. So I’d rather be intentional about it.
My current hypothesis is that if one limits one’s definition of “being a man” to behaviors which do not exclude or other *any* of the people who self-identify as men, you end up with a list of behaviors which apply equally to women (except for health-related behaviors that require certain anatomy).
If you can think of a behavior that does not exclude or other anybody who self-identifies as a man, and also does not apply equally to women, I’d love to hear it. To date every answer I’ve ever heard either is a personal preference (e.g. how to dress, what to drink, what to smoke) or simply how to be an adult (e.g. provide for your family).
In general, I’ve seen the command “Act like a man!” to mean one of two things: “Act like an adult!” or “Don’t act like a woman!” The former is fine. I think sometimes we all need to be exhorted to act grown up. The latter, though, is one of the most misogynist things I can think of. It implies that women are lesser, and so we should not act like them.
Why *shouldn’t* I want to act like a woman, aside from women’s health concerns? What about acting like a woman is undesirable? Just what is it that women do, that we men should not?
I can’t come up with an example, and so I prefer to think of the behaviors we, as adults, should exhibit independent of the gender we identify as.
It’s interesting that you don’t want to exclude anyone else in your process of self-identification. Isn’t that process in itself exclusionary? After all, you’re talking about who you’re deciding to be, not anyone else.
And maybe that’s the difference here – I agree that “be a man” has little of value to offer in terms of societal expectations. But I do think it’s worth exploring what I think that should mean for myself.
There’s a big difference between asking “How should I act?” and “How should men act?” In particular, there is a big difference between the set of people each question applies to. The former applies only to the questioner, the latter applies to all men.
I have absolutely zero problem with a person pondering how they should act. I only take issue with people pondering how men (or women, or people of color, or homosexuals, or any group of people) should act. Especially when the behaviors described are exclusionary to anybody who self-identifies as a man.
I would challenge you to think about why it is essential to you to think about the fact that you’re being a man rather than simply thinking about being an adult. Why do you believe you need to act differently because you’re a *man* as opposed to just an adult?
You certainly have me thinking, as well. I reread your comment on the train and realized there was more to comment on.
“…much like we’ve taken to embracing and celebrating the different cultures of ethnic backgrounds instead of pretending like all races are the same…”
I’m not sure to whom you are referring there with your pronoun “we”. I am not as well-read on the science as I’d need to be to say I know it, but what I have read indicates strongly that, aside from some health concerns that come along with the slight genetic differences, there is no difference between the “races” of humans.
Both racism and sexism are still rampant in Western culture. But, as a white, cis-gendered man, you don’t really have to care about that. Because it doesn’t affect you, you are really not in a position to dismiss those kinds of concerns.
This is similar to what we were just discussing in your last comment – the difference between physiological differences and cultural differences. Yes, from a physiological standpoint, there is little difference between races. But from a cultural standpoint, which is what I was referring to, there are rich differences that should be celebrated instead of pushed aside. Every sociology class I’ve ever taken has used this approach.
So yes, racism and sexism still very much exist. But the answer isn’t to pretend that neither race nor gender exists – we have to understand and celebrate the differences.
Thank you for such a lovely post. I found you through Etsy Blog and have enjoyed your perspective on becoming a better father/parent. I feel your male voice is much needed this ever-changing climate of parenting as we redefine roles, responsiblities and gender biases. For this I have tagged you for an award on my blog: http://lifeloveandbaby.com/2011/12/03/tis-the-season-for-giving-and-receiving-awards/. If you get a chance, stop by. Please accept that it is my way of saying – thanks for contributing in an exceptional way to the blogosphere.
Rebecca
Thank you, Rebecca. Just left a comment on your blog as well, but just wanted to say thanks again for including me. What a great way to pass along appreciation to bloggers you read.
Therein lies the rub – I do think there is value in asking yourself how you should act as a man (or woman, or homosexual, etc.). It’s combining your first two questions – “How should I, as a man, act?” As I said before, if it’s a piece of your identity – the unique mix of characteristics that makes you you – then it can’t help but have implications for your behavior, from a psychological standpoint.
I think we’re getting to the heart of where we’ll have to agree to disagree, friend. But I truly appreciate the dialogue. It’s really got me thinking.
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