When I heard I was going to have a son, I had two simultaneously powerful emotions: joy and fear. Joy that I was going to have a son, and fear about having to raise a man.
That’s right. Guys think about that sort of thing. Or at least I did. A lot.
A girl would have been one thing. I could totally have seen myself as the protective father, and my daughter as the daddy’s girl. That sounds like a comfortable role to me. But boys? Boys want you to teach them things. Boys are looking to you for how to act, how to react; how to behave like a man. I realized I was about to become a serious role model, whether I liked it or not.
Not that my son sees me like that now. Sure, Miles likes me. He smiles when I come around. We have our little insides jokes. But we both know that Mama is number one in his book. She’s the one that can’t leave the room for fear of his crying. She’s the one that makes things better. I’m just that other guy right now.
But psychologists say sometime in the next few years, a significant power shift will happen without us even realizing it. And all of a sudden I will become his idol, and he’ll want to mimic my every move.
Scary.
What got me through the fear was a realization that (a) it’s OK for me to make mistakes, and (b) it’s OK for me to tell Miles when I make mistakes. Basically I want him to understand that his father is not perfect. If I’m going to teach him anything about being a man, it has to start there.
A year after his birth, I’m reminded of that every day. Caroline (his mom/my wife) seriously deserves some sort of prize for being the most natural mother I’ve ever seen. For me, every day is a learning process and a reminder of how far I have to go. But my hope is, even now, I’m being that role model for him. I never know when that power shift is going to take place. But when it does, I hope my son is seeing the kind of man I want him to be.
Other fathers: What went through your head the first year? Or even now? How do you model being a man for your children?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post, (I found you from your Twitter link) and I absolutely feel the same things as you. My son is almost 4 and has been wanting to learn about tools, fixing things, etc from me for a while. I also want to teach him its ok to make mistakes and not be perfect. Its been a fun journey so far.
My daughter (7) is (and always will be) just what you described – Daddy’s little girl. But I also need to be the type of dad/role model that teaches her what to look for in a man. Trying to set the right foundations now so she makes good choices later in life.
Great blog, I am working on building a “Dad-focused” site as well. Still a work in progress, but once I push it live, I will definitely link to your site in my blogroll.
-chris
Chris:
Glad to hear you’re enjoying the ride. It’s definitely going to be a learning experience for me when my son starts wanting to know about those things (considering how little I know). I’m thinking of it as an opportunity to learn with my son. Takes the pressure off of me having to know everything.
Thanks!
Great post. I’ve got a three yr old boy, and another boy on the way. I can tell you that my boy, Henry, mimics nearly everything I do and say. It’s scary, but if you think about it too much it’ll consume you.
I try to teach him by doing good (eating my veggies, not swearing that much, giving my wife a kiss when we get home from work).
But more often I just go about my business and pray I don’t screw things up by way of being a pretty good person.
Really interested to see what the dynamic is in our house when baby boy 2 is about 3 himself. Should be very interesting.
Ian
Thanks, Ian. Glad to hear I’m not the only one who’s given this some thought.
Congrats on boy #2!