Continuing our Friday is for Females series is Heather Daigle, who shares how to make a relationship work across cultures. Enjoy.–cg
Among the crowds of Chinese walking the streets of Shanghai, a white American gal strolled hand-in-hand with a local Chinese guy – a novelty attracting millions of stares from passersby (millions, quite literally). It took my husband quite a while to get used to the stares. But he did. Eventually.
People often ask if it’s challenging being married to someone from another culture. Being married to anyone is challenging, I suppose – that’s half the fun. But do cultural backgrounds cause additional problems? Not if your man is exceptional.
The way I see it, we all have our own unique cultures. Our upbringing, our personality and our experiences shape the way we see the world. For my husband and me, these differences are pronounced. Some are visible, like cultural norms when eating out, visiting family, and even handling money (he’s such the saver!).
Others reside below the surface, like our styles of reasoning, mine rooted in Western logic and his in holistic relativism. Every once and a while a difference we didn’t even know existed bubbles up from beneath the surface – catching us off-guard. But these things come with the territory. We’re expecting them, and we work through them.
I want to suggest, though, that every couple faces these cultural challenges. Every man sees the world in a different way than his woman. Varying emotions, preferences and thoughts are brought into every interaction.
I know, I know – this sounds soft, fuzzy and, dare I say, girlie. But for you scientific minds out there, think of it as brain science. Every person on the planet is simply wired to see the world through his or her unique lens. Unless you woo a mind-reader, conflict of opinion is unavoidable.
The exceptional man understands this. He doesn’t laugh when we tackle a problem in a manner he deems illogical, belittle us when we show more emotion than he would ever dare display, or judge us for our difference in opinion.
Instead, these differences fascinate him (even when they frustrate him to no end). The exceptional man is an explorer seeking to discover his woman’s perspective and striving to see through her eyes. These odd quirks, these foreign ideas and behaviors we exhibit – they’re what he loves and values about us, not what he disdains.
Building a relationship based on this philosophy can be quite the challenge. It often involves questioning. Why does she think that? What makes me do that? What are the assumptions behind our thoughts, opinions and behaviors?
My husband and I even have certain “rules” we play by. When we give gifts, we must include a note sharing why we selected the item. A pair of gloves for my birthday, in my mind, fit in the “socks and underwear” gift category – not at all romantic – until he explained that, while walking hand-in-hand with me, he found my hands were always cold. Knowing that helped me see the thoughtfulness and romance in his choice.
Sometimes it takes a massive culture difference to realize that the relationship requires this kind of communication – constantly explaining the “why” behind your decisions. (Without it, sometimes I’d swear my husband is crazy, foolish or, perhaps, just doesn’t get me at all.) It is the exceptional man, however, who realizes these massive differences penetrate every relationship, whether or not cross-cultural perspectives come into play.
Fascinated with customs and cognition across cultures, Heather Daigle is a human capital consultant who specializes in developing and motivating a global workforce. She spends her free time hand-in-hand with her Chinese husband of four years exploring the ethnic neighborhoods of Chicago, IL, where fortunately few people stare. She writes about her adventures and insights in her blog, Speak the Culture.
Photo credit (which means ‘good luck and happiness’): нσвσ
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Caleb, I loved this.
I’m an American of Jamaican heritage and my boyfriend is as German as they come. I’m always fascinated by the subtle differences in our approach to things that are shaped by our cultures. Like Heather, I’m really fascinated by our differences (like putting butter on his bread with jam) even if they do annoy me sometimes. It’s a relationship I”m learning alot from.
Thx for sharing
Don’t thank me – thank Heather for sharing some good insights.
Heather,
1. I love the idea of explaining why you chose a gift. I’ m dating an exceptional man myself who happens to pick very thoughtful gifts. For example, I once drunkenly stopped in front of shoe store at 2 a.m. to admire the most beautiful pair of flats. The next morning I had completely forgotten about them while he went back to the shop and bought them. When I got them that Christmas I was completely shocked and disappointed that I hadn’t thought of something equally as thoughtful. I think I’m going to steal your tradition of explaining my gifts so he understands why I pick them and don’t look like the bad gift giver.
2. My exceptional man and I are also from very different cultures (I’m Mexican and he’s as Dutch/English as they come). I’ve also been a huge “why?” person since we first met. To most men, this would become quickly become irritating, but for us its forced us to look at the “why” behind our actions/traditions. Sometimes we disagree on the “why,” but other times it has opened us up to thinking outside of our cultural box which has played a huge part of making our relationship strong.
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for the comments! So thrilled it resonated with everyone. I’ve been amazed at how the lessons I’ve learned through the culture differences in my marriage have been so critical for success in the workplace and professional interpersonal relationships as well … we all have something to learn about asking “why?” more often!
If you’re interested in exploring culture further, please follow my blog (which is in desperate need of an update!) at speaktheculture.blogspot.com. Would love to have you join the conversation!
Heather