Friday is for Females | Erica Prather

Erica Prather tells us how to grow up in our continuing series on “What makes a man exceptional?” by female guest bloggers. Enjoy.–cg

As a newly minted single woman – fresh out of a 3.5 year relationship and with four months to go to 25 – I find myself wondering what separates male companionship at 20 vs. 25? Many of my girlfriends have groaned about the mid-twenties dating funk. The age of transition, for both sexes, is a frustrating and confusing process; throw dating into the mix, and specifically finding a potential mate, and the results can be downright depressing. The only realization I have come to after my most recent heartbreak is this: I don’t want to date boys. I want to date an exceptional man, but firstly, a man.

What does being a man mean? Over time, certain milestones, such as bar mitzvahs, losing your virginity, or owning your first car can be indicators of “manhood” in our society. But I think there is a distinct difference between a boy and a man, and in the “let’s extend our adolescence into infinity” mindset of Gen Y, at times it seems that the steps it takes to “become a man” go by other names: getting whipped, settling down, becoming boring, mundane monogamy. All of these things are accompanied, usually, by an awful nagging woman that somehow went from being a hot chick you were dating to a nagging wife that wants to turn off your Monday Night Football in exchange for Grey’s Anatomy. “I’m too young” or “I don’t know myself well enough” are common phrases that accompany the opposition to manhood.

I have come in contact with many men, dated several, that have said they were “having too much fun” or were interested in “finding themselves” or were “building a financial nest egg” and destroying perfectly good relationships in the process. Society tends to hand out quite a few “get out of adulthood free” cards to men age 22-30. Post college, if a man marries before the American average of 27, something must be wrong with him. We give men under 30 the band-aids of “He’s just having fun” or “He’s just sewing his wild oats” or “His priorities right now are his career.” So somehow, at the magic average age of 27, something in men clicks and they realize that maybe now they are ready to find ‘the one’? And when they can’t, they ask, ‘Where have all the good girls gone? Don’t they just show up when you are good and ready?’ I’ll tell you where all the good girls are – you either lost them, have been looking in the wrong places, or they are dating older males who are actually men and not afraid of being a man.

So what does being an exceptional man – by my definition of owning up to your manhood – mean? It doesn’t mean that you buy a woman flowers on the first date or kiss her ass. It doesn’t mean that you drop everything you are doing to massage her feet when she demands it. Being a man means being emotionally available. It means being honest, even if the truth hurts. It means being able to admit you are wrong, both to yourself and those you have wronged. It means being young at heart but still interested in having an adult relationship. In the romantic sense, being a man means you are able to meet your partner half way, not by putting her on a pedestal or by producing a 1930s style courtship. It means you are willing to compromise and accept the same compromise from her. Being a man means saying “I love you” in front of the guys, seeing your mate as your accomplice rather than your responsibility, and most importantly, realizing what being an exceptional man does not mean.

Things that do not correlate with manhood are: keeping yourself emotionally distant, how much beer you can drink, how many chicks you’ve banged, avoiding feelings, the kind of stocks you trade, having a fancy pants title to put on your business cards, or by owning a lot of expensive shit. Michelle Obama recently said the following to Katie Couric with regards to dating, “Don’t look at the title or the bank account. Look at the heart. Look at the soul.” What seems like such an obvious statement to me should be shared with men as well. I suppose it depends on the type of woman you want to attract in the end. If you want to attract an exceptional gold digger, work on your exceptionally large bank account. Find ways to grow exceptionally to attract someone just as special – it works both ways for both sexes.

At the end of the day, I am merely describing becoming an adult. I refuse to surround myself with people who still hold the childish ideals that what will bring them the most fulfillment is getting hammered, avoiding responsibility, shirking the development of their emotional IQ – generally just taking the path of least resistance. Show me a man who knows his own heart, who sees the bigger picture, and who realizes that life isn’t all about selfish pursuits. All of the other qualities I love – sense of humor, goofy behavior, willingness to try new things, sense of adventure, open mindedness, and all of the compatibility that must fit as well (politically, socially, spiritually, ethically, sexually) falls into second place. I suppose it’s just that I’m a woman now, and I don’t want to play momma to anyone and make them grow up. Cut the cord, make your own dinner, and order the full bottle of wine when I insist on just a glass because I don’t want you to pay too much. Make hard decisions. Take a leap of faith. Listen to, and trust, your own heart. I don’t want you to watch a crappy chick flick starring Sandra Bullock or buy me sparkly stuff you see in commercials. I’d rather learn about and take part in your hobbies and what makes you a unique person, and have this interest reciprocated. The kind of TV you own doesn’t impress me, if you call your grandma every now and then does. The college you attended or degree you obtained doesn’t impress me, the way you treat and tip a waiter does.

The ‘exceptional’ part of an exceptional man is subjective to every woman – maybe it’s his exceptional taste in music, or his exceptional relationship with his family, or his exceptional ability to listen. But for now, in my mid twenties, I’m focused on the second half of the phrase ‘exceptional man,’ and am hopeful to find an exceptional man, not an exceptional boy.

Erica Prather blogs, writes as Denver Dance Examiner, and works in Advertising and Business Development at a tech startup in Boulder, Colorado. Follow her on twitter – @ericaprather.

Photo credit: Mike Swales…fish related tales

Tagged as: Females, Guest bloggers, Relationships