Every Friday we hear a different female blogger’s perspective on “What makes a man exceptional?” This week Becky Padgett graces TEM with her presence. Enjoy.–cg
As I sat here thinking about what makes a man exceptional, it occurred to me that maybe the real question most men may be wondering, and afraid to admit, is that they don’t really have a clue about what makes a man a man. Forget exceptional, let’s just try and figure out what a man is. I’m not even sure myself where to start (not being one is a little bit of a hindrance too, so bear with me).
Lets start with some stereotypical ideas of what a man is:
- has a rugged personality
- has bulging biceps
- can fix anything in the house you break
- never cries or shows fear
- Robert Redford
The list could go on, but the general stereotype of a “man” evokes an image of strength, pride, and… ooo, that second to last one… never cries or shows fear. Let’s talk about that. I don’t know why men are afraid to cry or show fear. Maybe this don’t-show-your-emotions mentality has been pushed on boys ever since they were young: “Time for your vaccine, Billy, so don’t cry because big boys don’t cry.” Or, “That bully picked on you? Don’t cry, punch him back!” Or, “There’s no crying in baseball!” (sorry, just couldn’t help myself on that one.)
You get the point. Little boys are told that crying or showing emotion is bad and that doing it too much makes you a wuss. So what? Why is this such a bad thing, you ask? Well, it can definitely be detrimental to a man who wants to be a successful functioning adult, who wants to have a meaningful adult relationships, and who wants to have close friendships with other men. Not only that, but when emotions are not expressed in a healthy way, it can lead to other negative behaviors or habits (violence, anger, addictions, isolation, insecurity, instability, etc). I’m not saying all men express feelings the same way, but as human beings, we all need to be connected to other people in our lives and finding a healthy way to do that fosters growth, happiness, and meaning. We cannot survive alone.
Sure, I know what you’re thinking, “Easy for you to say, you’re a woman! Being relational comes more naturally for you.” Come on guys, women struggle with this too because not all women are the same. And yes, a lot of this applies to women too. In fact it applies to all humans who want to be happy. So there.
So, how do little boys who grow into men change their thinking about expressing emotions? I’m sure it isn’t easy. Which provokes a new thought: maybe becoming a real man, one that can be himself and express his emotions, is found by having the courage to try. But how does that happen, in real life?
Here are a few ideas off the top of my head: maybe start to open up to your guy friends about what’s really happening in your life instead of pretending things are always OK. Maybe seek out new friendship with other guys who are comfortable with who they are and are willing to open up about their lives too. Maybe find a good counselor that will address some of the stigmas you grew up with. Either route you take, there are resources out there to help men learn how to express themselves in a healthy, mature way. But the real test is, are you ‘man enough’ to do it?
So, what makes a man a man? For me, it could be someone who has bulging biceps, it could be someone who has a rugged personality, or can fix anything I break (actually I like to do those handywork jobs myself), but what really makes a man is someone who isn’t afraid of expressing emotions. Who isn’t afraid of crying. Who isn’t afraid to tell me when he’s scared. Who isn’t afraid to be himself around me. That’s a real man. And when you find a real man, it is truly exceptional.
Becky Padgett is a publications manager at a small university in Chicago, IL. She often feels taking oneself too seriously is really unhealthy and very annoying, so she seeks to do the opposite by blogging about enjoying the little things in life at Daily Deaverness.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
So true!! I would prefer a man who’s REAL over bulging biceps any day!
Although Robert Redford IS really hot…
I think your idea is on the right track but not quite there. Reading this made me think you’re saying real men cry. That’s a simplification but bear with me here.
Men who cry at many sad things, a depressing scene in a film for example, I wouldn’t classify as ‘manly’. There are times when crying is important. I cried when my best friend moved to Australia for good. Not saying I’m an example of a real man but in a situation like that crying would be ok.
So when a certain emotion is provoked in a big was I think it should be shown. Having said that it would be better to do it in privacy with people trusted.
Emotions however can only be a part of becoming a ‘real man’. At 19 I would say the men I see who I would describe as ‘exceptional’ have other qualities. Such as, a strong work ethic, manners, know how to treat women. Physique probably an added bonus, most guys envy the built guy, most girls are attracted to the built guy.
What I’m getting at is you can’t write a list of qualities that an ‘exceptional man’ would have. It’s more of a situation where you know one when you see one, by the way they carry themselves and treat their peers.
In my opinion all men should strive to become an ‘exceptional man’, but only within their own capacity.
-Dean