The other day I was chatting with a friend about fatherhood. I told him that when I found out I was having a son, one of the things I quickly realized was that there are very few models of strong father/son relationships out there. And that made me nervous. I wanted a strong relationship with my son, but there were very few models of success I could find. Take a minute and think about it yourself – how many do you know? I would be surprised if it was more than a handful.
My friend had a hypothesis I found intriguing: in our culture (Western, American, etc.) there is no rite of passage that a boy goes through to distinguish himself as a man. But a man needs to know he’s a man. So the way it plays out is in rebellion from our fathers. It’s a classical Oedipal scenario: how do I know I’m a man? When my father no longer makes my decisions. When my father and I disagree. When I stand up to my father.
This got me thinking about my relationship with my own father. We did disagree a good deal when I was in high school, about to go off to college to stake my claim – about to become a man.
How about you? How is your relationship with your father?
And more importantly, are you planning on letting your son know when he has become a man in your eyes?
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m only 18 but this got me thinking. My whole childhood (0-16/17) my dad was the control figure in my house. My mum was the nice one who let me do things, my dad was the one who put his foot down. This I have no problems with, it worked. As I got into my junior year I would argue with my dad about little things, but still listened to the serious stuff. Now I’m about to head off to college and I get the feeling the relationship will change. Next time I see him I’m sure we’ll share a pint (I live in the UK).
I think that’s the way it works for this part of the world. At first the dad is the strong controlling figure, then you start to resist that, and finally once you leave home you’re both men who share the pleasure of manly things. He’s still your father but you can both enjoy the game together, drink together, and be men together.
At least that’s my impressions at 18.
-Dean
Thanks for the thoughts, Dean. Glad to see this resonated with you, as it does with me.